Most people decide their careers based on 2 things:
- Things they want to do
- Things they’re good at.
I’m the awesomely brilliant person who chose something that satisfied neither of the above.
I did not know what I liked doing and I wasn’t sure I could earn a lot with things I’m good at. So I’m stuck in this place, sometimes hardly motivated, not being able to go backwards or forward. And that stressed me out for a while. But I remind myself that it’s okay. You cannot control everything. It’s okay to let it go, give your best and hope for the best. Life is unpredictable after all. If it’s meant to be, it will be. Even if it isn’t, I’ll be okay. It was hard to imagine at one point to not get this done, having chosen something and not finishing it all the way through. But I’m not where I’d thought I’d be five years ago. I’m not in the place where I expected to be. And I’m okay. I’m happy. There are both good and bad times. I got to enjoy wonderful experiences in between. So the same way, I will be okay. And I will be happy. It IS really gonna be okay. I just have to be grateful for what I have and make the most of it..!
I just fall apart most of the days. Mostly because of my own thoughts. Self doubt. Anxiety. Failures. Low self confidence. I make myself think I can’t achieve anything. Mostly have to do with the continuous downhill I’ve been facing. Waiting for things to get better, it didn’t. Then I see my younger self who rejected toxic thoughts …. and never thought about it again. Who would just dismiss negativity and judgement from other people. Who would make herself feel better like pressing a button, flicking a switch. It wasn’t easy to become that person then, but I did. After lots of negativity and judgement, i made a mental list of whose opinion I should take and whose I shouldn’t and stuck to it.
Wonder where she went now when I need her the most?
Wonder when that change took place?
Where did I draw such strength at that time? Why is it gone?
Well…. if I found it once, I can find it again!
The destination I wanted to reach was the same as theirs. I just didn’t choose the path they did. The difference was they were all running the race but I knew I wasn’t a fast runner. So decided to take my time, go down a journey where I got to smell the roses. Take things slow. At the same time focus on self development. And I knew I’d get there eventually. So when did I become blinded by that race everyone was running in? When did I get so caught up on that to realise that this is not the path I chose? Why did I decide to run that race and make myself unhappy when I knew I wasn’t a fast runner? Why didn’t I realise when the focus shifted? Why did I have to lose my way to find it again?!
And when the ones with whom we’re close with, but get the chance to talk only once in three months, ask us how we are and we have to lie to them that we’re fine because they don’t know everything that has happened and everything that happens in our lives as they once did and there’s not enough time to explain the mess we are now.
They laughed at me for not wearing makeup like all the girls. What’s the point if you look beautiful on the outside?! I just wanted to shape my personality so I looked beautiful on the inside. Anyone who focuses on outside appearances would dismiss me. Those who looked beyond that and made an effort to get to know me….. they’re are the ones I would want in my life.
I see people around me jealous of my life. I can see their eyes wanting to switch places with me. I just wish I was living in the paradise they think I am. It’s exhausting having to hold everything together. Pretending everything is okay. And I’m okay. It’s not their fault they think my life is a paradise. I’ve never had the habit of sharing. What would I share? Half the times I myself don’t know what’s wrong!
Take care of your health.
I never cared so much about health. And now I’ve been facing health issues lately and it would have been fine to face the consequences except for the fact that those who care about you will also be in pain. They will try to hide it for your sake. And that just makes it even worse.