Uncensored, unspoken words I could never possibly tell you.

Dear Dad,

On this father’s day let me admit to you what a terrible daughter I’ve been. I have been an asshole and I am sorry. You and mom work day and night, for me, and I have just been complaining internally about how I am not getting more. Yes, I wanted to be understood, I was in a dark place, still am, I was lashing out, I was trying to hard to hold everything together and was failing, and possibly hurt you a lot in the process, and I’m sorry. I will bounce back, I promise. I just can’t promise when that will be. Eventually I’ll make up for all this shit, I’ll make you happy and I’ll support you and mom. You guys are everything to me. I just need you to bear with me. I can’t explain what i am feeling, and I can’t explain my behaviour in a way you’ll understand. I think the best I can do is to tell you that my mind is not at peace, I am too disappointed with myself and I’m too hurt. So now every small thing which never bothered me before, bothers me. People’s comments bother me. I need some space to self heal, and when I think I’m better, I fall into the hole again and have to start from the beginning. It’s like before there were pebbles around me, in my life. These represent minor setbacks, which mostly, I could avoid, few I tripped over, very few. Now it’s like, in the places of those pebbles, there are holes, deep ones. I fall into each one and it takes me time to get back, and then I fall into another one. I guess nobody told me being an adult would be like this. Nobody realizes how much of a blessing is it to be a kid and to be innocent. But no, the world doesn’t work that way. So, I am still here, at the age of being independent, asking more and more from you. I am just asking you to give me some more time and patience. Without you, I would be nothing. I need you. I love you. Thank you for everything. I cannot put this in a font size big enough to reflect how much is everything and how much it means to me.

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Career

Most people decide their careers based on 2 things:

  1. Things they want to do
  2. Things they’re good at.

I’m the awesomely brilliant person who chose something that satisfied neither of the above.

I did not know what I liked doing and I wasn’t sure I could earn a lot with things I’m good at. So I’m stuck in this place, sometimes hardly motivated, not being able to go backwards or forward. And that stressed me out for a while. But I remind myself that it’s okay. You cannot control everything. It’s okay to let it go, give your best and hope for the best. Life is unpredictable after all. If it’s meant to be, it will be. Even if it isn’t, I’ll be okay. It was hard to imagine at one point to not get this done, having chosen something and not finishing it all the way through. But I’m not where I’d thought I’d be five years ago. I’m not in the place where I expected to be. And I’m okay. I’m happy. There are both good and bad times. I got to enjoy wonderful experiences in between. So the same way, I will be okay. And I will be happy. It IS really gonna be okay. I just have to be grateful for what I have and make the most of it..!

My temporarily lost strength

I just fall apart most of the days. Mostly because of my own thoughts. Self doubt. Anxiety. Failures. Low self confidence. I make myself think I can’t achieve anything. Mostly have to do with the continuous downhill I’ve been facing. Waiting for things to get better, it didn’t. Then I see my younger self who rejected toxic thoughts …. and never thought about it again. Who would just dismiss negativity and judgement from other people. Who would make herself feel better like pressing a button, flicking a switch. It wasn’t easy to become that person then, but I did. After lots of negativity and judgement, i made a mental list of whose opinion I should take and whose I shouldn’t and stuck to it.

Wonder where she went now when I need her the most?

Wonder when that change took place?

Where did I draw such strength at that time? Why is it gone?

Well…. if I found it once, I can find it again!

My path

The destination I wanted to reach was the same as theirs. I just didn’t choose the path they did. The difference was they were all running the race but I knew I wasn’t a fast runner. So decided to take my time, go down a journey where I got to smell the roses. Take things slow. At the same time focus on self development. And I knew I’d get there eventually. So when did I become blinded by that race everyone was running in? When did I get so caught up on that to realise that this is not the path I chose? Why did I decide to run that race and make myself unhappy when I knew I wasn’t a fast runner? Why didn’t I realise when the focus shifted? Why did I have to lose my way to find it again?!

Close but far

And when the ones with whom we’re close with, but get the chance to talk only once in three months, ask us how we are and we have to lie to them that we’re fine because they don’t know everything that has happened and everything that happens in our lives as they once did and there’s not enough time to explain the mess we are now.

Personality

They laughed at me for not wearing makeup like all the girls. What’s the point if you look beautiful on the outside?! I just wanted to shape my personality so I looked beautiful on the inside. Anyone who focuses on outside appearances would dismiss me. Those who looked beyond that and made an effort to get to know me….. they’re are the ones I would want in my life.