To my Grandma

To my Grandma,

Losing you was very hard on all of us. For a long time, I couldn’t even inform my office colleagues who knew you because the thought of you gone bought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat. Only my closest knew.

You’d complain to my mom when I got late to office and just left without saying goodbye. Is that why you left without saying goodbye?! For 30 days when I went to the Pooja room I couldn’t help but glare at the Gods and accuse them of taking you. “You took my Grandma”, I’d repeat daily. The 31st day, I said “You took her. Please, take care of her”

I don’t know if you’re watching us, some days I hope not. I just hope wherever you are, you are happy. You couldn’t walk without help during your final days. Now, you can run, you can fly. You can be with my Grandfather, whom you unfortunately lost at a very early age.

I couldn’t be at home for the brief moment you started falling ill. Luckily, I came while you were still with us, even if only for a few days. I remember praying then, to not let you suffer so much, when instead I should have prayed for you to get cured.

I can’t believe 11 months have gone by since you left us. Ironically today is your birthday & not so ironically yesterday was women’s day. You are the iron lady of our family. I remember you as this person who was smiling, always & always. The difficulties you’ve faced in your life is unimaginable. Because of your struggles, I am living this happy comfortable, life. Sometimes, me and my generation, we tend to think we’ve earned it, and sometimes it gets in our heads that we deserve all this and much more but all of this is because of your strength and bravery & I hope to have half the strength you’ve had. It’s finally time for you to rest now.

Some days I miss you so much and some days it feels like you are still around in this world. I don’t know if that is why people say that the ones who die are still here with you. I hear your voice every now & then, though, sadly, the frequency has been reducing. I know exactly what you’d say when I got that haircut or when I wore that lip stick or when I wore that short top. Not that I’d listen to you even now. I was always a rebel. I just wish I had the chance to give you something back, to make you happy. I wish I had the chance to make you proud. Guess we’ll never know.

Thank you for everything.

Many many happy returns of the day!

I love you.



Your spoiled little granddaughter.


Lost & Alone

I don’t know if I’ve stopped in a place, unpacked by bags on my journey because I started feeling comfortable or I’ve stopped because I wanted to rest. I remember a time I was willing to do anything to reach my goal. Now I just want comfort. All the hard times, the struggle, I kept going on that rocky road, thinking that the rocky road will end and the road ahead would be smooth again. The rocky road kept getting rockier. & one day I couldn’t go further. I didn’t want to go further because I’ve lost hope that there’s anything other than this rocky road in my path. But we have to struggle. I was ready for it all. Then why now of all times does the pain seem too much for the gain. The cost seems far too big for the price. How do u keep moving? But not moving is not an option too. I can’t walk backwards after how far I’ve come. So I’m stuck in this place. First I stayed because I was comfortable here. I told myself I was resting. I stalled & stalled, till I couldn’t stall anymore. Even if someone would tell me the road ahead will get beautiful, I don’t believe them. If someone tells me that, yes I can make it, I don’t believe them. This place is no longer a comfort zone. It has become a suffocating box where I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe, I can’t stay, I can’t seem to leave. Few steps & I’m tired again. Yes, life is hard. I used to believe it gets better. Sometimes it just keeps knocking you out again and again. I just need that assurance that it’ll all be worth it, because the blind belief that I once had is gone. And I’m left in this suffocating place. Lost & Alone.


There are so many moments in our lives that overwhelm us. You don’t even see it coming and when it comes, it hits you like a wave. And sometimes, there are moments which make you realize how strong you have been without even realizing it, and it makes you wonder – how did you become this person!